What Success Isn’t

0:10 - All right. Welcome back to extrashot of leadership. Hey, Kimberly, what are you doing over there?

0:16 - Having a great day. A great day.

0:19 - Feeling good?

0:19 - Feeling good.

0:20 - Ready to go?

0:22 - Ready to go. What is on your mind, mind today? Pepper.

0:28 - I cannot believe and I think we always do this, every single is it.

0:32 - About the timing of the year?

0:33 - Timing of the year, that's exactly right.

0:36 - I love it.

0:37 - You know me. I'm always going to be like, Whoo. Can you believe it's?

0:41 - Because things are moving so quickly. And I think we got so much going that it just passes by so quickly. The days pass.

0:50 - It's the middle of the year already.

0:52 - Yes.

0:52 - And it's like I just one little blink from January, and here we are. And then look at me. And then I was talking to my kids and my family just last night, and I was like, look, here we are. It's the middle of the year. Here comes fall. And then boom, boom, boom, boom, here comes Christmas. And then it's the new year. It just goes by so fast, so quickly. Well, so what got me going today, and what I was thinking a little bit about was I am thinking back to our first episode this year, and it was around priorities, and we took a little bit of a different kind of approach this year. People really liked that episode, by the way. I don't know if you got any feedback.

1:31 - Listen, I've been getting a lot of feedback, and what I love about it is the feedback also helps keep me it just reminds me it just reminds me because you can get distracted. But my priorities are still in order, and it's been a great year.

1:44 - Awesome. So thinking about the priorities for me, where I was at was, okay, we established priorities, I think we talked a little bit about what are the things on our list that are the priorities for us for the year? And I vividly remember asking you that question about, this is interesting, work is not a priority on your list. I still remember kind of thinking about that. It took me a little bit to process that and think about that for myself and what that looked like anyway.

2:15 - And are you okay as a boss? Work not at the top of my list.

2:19 - Yeah, that's right. Just because it's not a priority doesn't mean you're going to do a bad job. Right. And so where I'm at with this whole thing is thinking about our priorities. At the time, it was in the vein of, hey, look, these are our priorities. This will lead to success. And when I think of success, I don't mean like career success. I just mean life success. Right? What does that mean? What is life success? So, hey, look, I've outlined my priorities. I'm going to stay focused on these things. I'm going to have a successful year. So since that time, I've really just been thinking about it a lot and about my priorities and where I'm focused and what I'm doing. And I thought, what an interesting conversation to go backwards. So rather than think X will lead to success, I want to talk a little bit about how you define success. And I want to start with success and working our way backwards. Okay. So I think my question to you just as we start off here is what is success to you? How do you define it? What does it mean? How do you know you've reached that success and have you defined it for yourself? Well, that's a lot of questions. Let's start with let's start a little.

3:42 - Bit further back with the how do I define success?

3:45 - Yeah, let's do that.

3:46 - Yeah, well, so going back to the beginning of this year, success for me was really focused on my priority, has been my health, right? Getting that in order, getting into a place where I feel healthy and strong, that's been my focus and my priority. And I would say that is going well. But when you asked me this question not too long ago about success, boy, I was like, I don't know that I have even though that's my priority and I feel better about this priority of health than where I was a year ago, I think there's more. I think there is better priorities, are more priorities that I could move to the top of the list that have not been there. And it's just simply because I'm chasing what I think success feels like. And one of those things is health. The other thing that is a priority for me or that keeps me focused is retirement life and what I want that to look like. So I'm chasing making as much money, saving as much money as I can, because I don't want retirement to look any different than what my life looks like right now. Pretty blessed. So I feel like there are still some things that I am chasing and focusing on and questioning whether that really matters.

5:09 - I think about that retirement thing, right, that retirement phase of life. And this whole piece of I don't know that I would want retirement to look any different than what I'm currently doing is certainly a thing that is on my mind. I think about that, and I think more recently, for me, it's been a little bit of what is that life that I want in retirement? And you talk to people about it and you kind of hear this whole, hey, look, this is what life looks like right now as I'm working, and I don't want that to change in retirement. And there's planning and there's lots of saving absolutely, that people should be doing and be thinking about. But really for me, it more recently has been thoughts around what exactly does retirement life look like and how much money do I need in order to satisfy that I don't want to go off into retirement. But that is a thing that I'm kicking around a little bit and really thinking about what is that phase of life for me and my family? And how comfortable does it really need to be anyways?

6:24 - Because here's the thing, right? We're chasing all of these things, or I am. I'll just own it. Chasing all of these things and spending time chasing these things that we think that will make us happy in retirement. But when you get into retirement and this is where I'm saying it's evergreen my mind and my brain is starting to change. When you get into retirement, you probably are going to have a lot more time on your hands, different time, and how you feel that time will probably fulfill you. And so, yeah, you can go on so many vacations, but it's the people that I might have been ignoring while I was chasing this dream and working really hard and spending time on the things that I think that matter right now. But if you've not kept those relationships of people, I'm like, well, who will. You spend time with? Right? So I think all of that's kind of swimming up there in my head.

7:22 - That comment of chasing, I can relate. Chasing, right? I'm chasing something. So when I go back and I think about success, I think success for me, the definition of success is also changing. That was a little bit of some of our conversation recently. So the way I'm defining success is morphing changing. I'd say monthly as I reflect, and I really think about what is success and how do I view success? And when I am done with whatever I'm done with, what will make me think, that was good. That was a good thing that happened, right? Life. This is really getting deep here. But I've been a chaser. I love that word that you said. I'm chasing things. And I like to give metaphors to things. I like to think in pictures. You know that I've always said that. And so when I'm thinking about being a chaser, I think I'm Speedy Gonzalez. That's what I think about. Right? I am running from one thing to the other as quickly as I can and trying to accomplish as much as I can. I'm trying to multitask. I'm trying to do a number of things all at one time. I'm trying to do a number of things all at one time in order to demonstrate, look how great I am. Look at all the things that I can get done. Look at all the action that I can take on. And there I go. Right? Speedy Gonzalez, from one thing to the next, on and on and on. And know, we've all heard that whole thing, know, being on the hamster wheel. I think for me, it's not just the hamster wheel, but for me personally, I'm on that hamster wheel. I've chosen to get on the hamster wheel and run as fast as I can so I can acquire more, whatever that more is. The more can be trips, the more it can be handbags. I love my handbags, let's be honest, but it can be handbags. It can be watches or out dining, out experiences. And more recently, since we had that conversation in January, just rolling around in my head has been this thing of will I ever be satisfied? Will I ever be satiated with the handbag or with the trip or with whatever it is? I don't think I will. I think there's always going to be I need more. You're always chasing. The more I'm chasing and it's starting to feel like the fog is clearing for me as I hit the mid of the year. The fog is starting to clear on. I think I'm always going to want more. I'm always going to want the newest furniture. I want an updated dining room. I want a new ceiling fan in my bedroom because the one I have is ugly. There's always going to be this desire of what else can I do? How else can I improve, make better, make pretty? And I think for me, the big thing that has hit me almost like a ton of bricks more recently is what am I giving up in order to focus on that? And I love your comment about relationships and that has been something. Also in my head is this piece of connecting with people and how do I connect with people? Am I genuinely connecting with people, or am I kind of, sort of connecting with people while I'm thinking about the new dining table that I got to go buy or that I got to hurry up and get out of here so I can go meet whoever at the furniture shop? So we can look at the dining room table? So I don't know. I am absolutely redefining success actively right now in my own head. And I love this idea, your comment about it's evergreen and it's ever changing and that you think about it and that you're in the middle of redefining it right now.

11:45 - Yeah, I completely agree with everything you're saying. And the picture that is sitting in my head right now is my life and the life of many people that are chasing this more in the life of someone that I know that is in my family that does not have that mindset. I have a beautiful, beautiful aunt in my family and she's not chasing the more and I've never seen her chase the more I've seen her think about as she wakes up each day, what can I do for other people? Right? How can I serve? How can I help? How can I connect? And what good can she do in the day? And I look at how settled her life is. We're never going to be satiated with that more, but how fulfilling and at peace her life appears to be because she's focused on those things that she truly values. We may say we value it. We may know we're missing it a little bit or sometimes start to realize I might be missing something here. But, man, when you really can slow down and I think that is the key is slowing down and see the difference between these two lives and then decide, are you really focused on the things that truly bring you value and fulfill you? And I would say in my case, the answer has been no. When I say it's evergreen, I'm starting to realize it. But I've not necessarily changed my actions yet. My actions are still all about doing versus thinking about what is it that I'm doing?

13:31 - You know, me, I think, kind of in steps. So it's this I'm on the hamster wheel, and I'm doing things, whatever those things are, that leads to more money, more title if I'm in a career, more things, which then leads to success. So there's action, more things, happiness currently, right? That's currently how you're defining things, your perspective on success. I would say I'm no different. I think for long, long time, that's what it was about, right? It was more when I think specifically about my career and what I do, it was like, more projects. Let's do more. And not only more projects, but let's make those projects outstanding. Let's do things that people have never seen before. Can we do that, people? Can we do that? Team. It's kind of like that is the mindset do more work, and then that work needs to be done at a more level because more means better. More means whatever. We'll have more credibility. Customers will call us more. The theme, I think there is more. And that really is where I'm at, is what is the more that I really want and is that more satisfying? As I think about the year, my priorities are shifting. They are changing. They are becoming clear. And I really appreciate what you just said, and you were like, hey, look, kind of here's the evolution of my thinking. And it really is around an awareness of things and seeing yourself become like Speedy Gonzalez, right? Does anybody know who Speedy Gonzalez is?

15:24 - I know who Speedy Gonzalez is.

15:25 - Watch him all the time.

15:28 - I can't do it. But yes, I watched that guy.

15:33 - I love it. Yeah, it's been a long, long time. But I just see him running all around. And for me, I don't want to say we. For me, I get so many things in my head, and I'm running around and running around. If I can do a better job of identifying, oh, here comes Speedy Gonzalez, I can hopefully quit doing that. Same pattern. It's very habitual, I think.

15:59 - Yeah. You know what I love about this conversation is, one, we're just kind of talking about life in general, it's a leadership podcast, and you went into kind of, like, work there for just a minute. And I think it's just such a great thing for leaders to consider what's going on on their team, what's going on within them personally, that then drives their team to the more. Whoever came up with that phrase less is more. They're probably pretty smart people.

16:25 - We'll have to go back and look up that quote.

16:27 - And so what I think about how it trickles down to our teams because we're like, produce, produce, produce more and more and more, better, better. When we've got that mindset in our teams, then I feel like they're probably and we are as a team, missing the opportunities to connect with people, to build relationships with the person that sits next to you, to stop and say, hey, how's your day? Hey, you want to go to lunch? Right? To learn something, to connect with people, to look in their eyes and really add some value in just value in the day. That's not about the work.

17:06 - We do talk about that so much, right? We talk about building relationships. And I think that there is a building of relationships that's like, I'm nice, I ask people how they're doing. I connect with people. I think you're talking about something a.

17:21 - Little bit more yes. Deeper. So, for example, I was in the cafeteria line the other day, and I heard a guy ask a woman, hey, how are you doing? And her answer was like this, I'm good. No, I'm good. Really? And he's like, okay, cool. And they both went on to get their salad. And I'm hearing this over here, and I just hear something in this woman's voice that she's not okay. I don't know her, but it's those things that when you really stop with the more at work, I think you can allow this time and this conversation to dig a little deeper. Like, sounds like you got something going on. Like, are you sure you're okay? You want to sit down? Because they were probably going to take their lunch back to their desk or.

18:04 - Whatever, but keep going to do more.

18:06 - Yeah. Who knows what they're sighing about? But could it take us to a deeper level with connecting with people and really making work more enjoyable? Because we do have those connections powerful.

18:22 - I believe it is all about connection. I believe in connection. I believe in relationships. I believe in really, really connecting with people. And I'm reflecting on my own last five years, ten years. And man, I have room to grow here. I have got opportunity to slow it down, stop thinking about the more and really look into people's eyes. And that might sound a little hokey here, but I mean, really looking at people and saying, hey, look, I care about you. I want to talk to you. I want to spend time with you. And we've talked about that too, right? We've talked about it as a leader, spending time with people, it's free. People want that. They crave that interaction. That's one area for me that my priorities are shifting is around doing more. Because I think more for me creates a level of chaos is a strong word. But fogginess in my brain because I'm thinking about the sofa, I'm thinking about the project, I'm thinking about running my kids to whatever karate. I'm thinking about trying to get to Lowe's because I need to get rocks for the backyard. And then I'm thinking know, I gotta make lunch and I gotta make dinner. My brain is like foggy now. All of those things still need to happen. But I really got to get clear about what are the things that I am prioritizing and what are the things that I'm saying no to. I no longer want to say no to relationships. I want to prioritize those. The other night I was walking the dog with the kids and just happened to stop to talk to my neighbor. It was great. Again, I'm thinking people are probably listening to this going saying what is wrong with those two today? But it was a great interaction and how like I'm making a new friend, right? This may not be some long person that I'm going to know forever and ever endeavor, but it's just the opportunity to really learn something about somebody else. I loved what you said about your aunt and her waking up and thinking how can I be of service to somebody else? What else can I do to help improve somebody else's life? Or let them know that, yes, you matter and I care about you.

20:50 - Yeah. And the satisfaction that would bring at the end of the day versus the false satisfaction that all this stuff of more, once you see it and you start to wake up, I think it's hard to unsee it and you start to realize the things that you've been missing. I think the hard part is changing your actions. Right. Because it's a habit. It's a bad habit. And changing bad habits is not easy. And so it's almost like you have got to put it on your calendar, something you have to intentionally stop, start the day slow and think about what are these other things that I have been missing and how can I get them in my day today? What would that look like?

21:37 - So as a recap, I think we've been kicking around a couple of ideas, thinking back to priorities. At the very beginning of the year, I really wanted us to talk a little bit about how do we define success, what does success really mean? And reflecting on our own definition of what that is. I think you've mentioned chasing things. I know I certainly have chased things and maybe redefining that for ourselves and really thinking about where we are in our lives and what really brings us happiness. And I think there's still kind of that kind of question, that's kind of sitting out there is, is success and happiness, are those the same things? We're going to table that for later.

22:28 - Okay, let's do come back to that.

22:30 - But really, it boils down to awareness of being like Speedy Gonzalez or awareness of running on that hamster wheel and really thinking about why am I running so hard? And what is the next thing I'm trying to acquire? Is it the next pair of shoes, the next dress, the next pair of earrings, some newer makeup? Who knows what it is, right? But we are absolutely, in my mind I mean, this is my personal opinion here programmed to think we need more. We are programmed, and it is drilled into us that we need more of something in order to be successful. So I know you've got something before.

23:13 - We well, I just think this is a leadership podcast.

23:16 - Yeah, sure.

23:17 - What I want to just boil it down and do kind of a recap is, so what do we want leaders to walk away thinking? What questions do we want them to walk away asking themselves? What would you say?

23:26 - I've got two, and you said it earlier. What is your belief about success, and how does that belief filter through your team? So it's a two part question for me. What is your belief about success? How do you define it? What does it mean? What do you have to do in order to get success? And then once you have a pretty good understanding of that, well, what happens to the rest of the people who are working on your team? How do they feel? How are you framing success for them? Because whatever your expectations are, whatever you're following up on, whatever you're asking about is absolutely programming their belief about success. And that's natural. I think that's very natural. But for me, the leaders who are listening today, it really is that question of how do you define success? What about you? What would you add?

24:23 - I would just add the one part of whatever it is that you're driving. What is it that that is causing you to miss or your team members to miss out on? Because all of those things we talk about how relationships are important and teamwork is important. And if we are driving so hard, the work which the work has to get done.

24:46 - Absolutely.

24:46 - But does it have to be at 120%? Could it be 80% so that we could allow time for those other things? What are you missing out on? What is your team missing out on?

24:55 - I've enjoyed this conversation. This has been a really interesting, a little bit different, really interesting conversation. I appreciate your got me thinking about some things and really reflecting on what do I want to do as a result of today? Right. What am I going to go do moving forward? And how will I say, hey, you take off that Speedy Gonzalez hat, chill out a little bit, and really look around the room and look into the faces that I care a lot about and let them know that I care about them. Hope you found this conversation valuable and something that you can take with you going forward.

25:38 - And if you did find it valuable, don't forget to share this with your leadership friends. Don't forget to come back again for an extra shot of leadership.